Photo via: Tamar Burduli
I don't fall in love.
Considering my history with love, or rather lack of it, as well as what my friends call "daddy issues", the only falling I'd do is well prepared and with some kind if safety strap. I play. That's what I know how to do so it's the only thing I do. I'll tease you, make you love me, and then stop. I'll leave you with hurt and leave myself with anxiety, regret and a continuation of sleepless nights.
So why is it that you don't let me play my game. Why do you get to walk into my life and ignore my thoughts and my plans and my habits. Why do you repeatedly try to expose me and remove my safety net and push me into falling in love with you.
The reason, or actually the problem, is that you don't know me. No one really does. You don't know that I don't kiss people sober because it's too "real" and so you kissed me in all my soberness. You don't know how despite my sleeping problems I slept really well, not a lot, but really well when I slept with you. You don't know how bad I felt for only sleeping with you, and how hard it was to say I didn't want to do more because i knew you wanted to. You don't know how I only pretend not to care so you don't care either and that kills me. You don't know that this is the closest I've been to love and I hate it. You don't know how happy I got when you told me you didn't care about my scars or that you weren't judging me for drinking vodka on a Monday night. You don't know that I might fall for you if you keep pushing but I know. I know that you are going to bore of me. When you find out who I am you'll leave and in an instant I'll get back to being the girl who plays and even though she's winning she's the one who feels the most like she lost.
Considering my history with love, or rather lack of it, as well as what my friends call "daddy issues", the only falling I'd do is well prepared and with some kind if safety strap. I play. That's what I know how to do so it's the only thing I do. I'll tease you, make you love me, and then stop. I'll leave you with hurt and leave myself with anxiety, regret and a continuation of sleepless nights.
So why is it that you don't let me play my game. Why do you get to walk into my life and ignore my thoughts and my plans and my habits. Why do you repeatedly try to expose me and remove my safety net and push me into falling in love with you.
The reason, or actually the problem, is that you don't know me. No one really does. You don't know that I don't kiss people sober because it's too "real" and so you kissed me in all my soberness. You don't know how despite my sleeping problems I slept really well, not a lot, but really well when I slept with you. You don't know how bad I felt for only sleeping with you, and how hard it was to say I didn't want to do more because i knew you wanted to. You don't know how I only pretend not to care so you don't care either and that kills me. You don't know that this is the closest I've been to love and I hate it. You don't know how happy I got when you told me you didn't care about my scars or that you weren't judging me for drinking vodka on a Monday night. You don't know that I might fall for you if you keep pushing but I know. I know that you are going to bore of me. When you find out who I am you'll leave and in an instant I'll get back to being the girl who plays and even though she's winning she's the one who feels the most like she lost.
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